Reflections on Grief

This is a part of the October 2020 blog challenge. You can find the other posts here.

I spent a large part of yesterday chatting with a friend about grief, as she goes through her own heartbreaking change in this moment. I was reminded that often change brings grief with it - especially when it is unexpected and involves the loss of people or a life that we love, but we can also feel grief when the change feels good or welcome

So today I wanted to share a few of my own reflections on grief and my own experiences.

My thoughts about grief come from my own experiences - from having lost both of my parents at relatively early ages, from having lost friends and beloved family members, from having walked with others as they navigate their losses. 

In spite of concepts such as the 5 stages of grief that are well known, I think that each of us experiences grief in our own way and there is no template for what we feel, or when or how. There are different ways that cultures handle loss, change and grief and then there are our individual experiences that affect how we are impacted by that loss. In addition, we can grieve for what never was, for changes we longed for that never came, for lives not lived and paths not taken. 

My experiences began to be shaped by losing my parents when I was young. We lost my dad when I was 25 - over 15 years ago. It was a loss that I felt pretty hard as I had grown up with him alone, since my mother passed away when I was a small child.

When it happened I was devastated and could feel their absence so much as I went about my daily life. I felt those talked about emotions - denial, anger, sorrow etc. I even reached acceptance because I'm pretty sure they aren't coming back. Loss is a strange process. I went about my daily routine, assuming that at some point the grief would go away and I would feel "recovered". ..

I suppose the acute grief went away to a certain extent - I no longer cried often and didn't feel like my heart plummeted anytime someone mentions their names, or their own parents.

But I found that recovery was different…

In my experience, some grief can be fleeting, or over time can give way into the "new normal". Other times I feel like grief never goes away but just changes it's form, and becomes something I have learned to live with.

Even all these years after losing my parents, I still grieve. Sometimes I am in a situation or I look at the world and wonder what my father would think about it. I watch my nephew playing and I am so sad that my parents never got to meet him, and laugh and play with him, or answer some of the funny or deep questions he always has. I believe they would have loved his mischievous laugh and his love for tricks and play, and sometimes I look at my nephew and see my dad's facial expression mapped out. Sometimes, I go to the beach and I think about the time we spent there swimming, and singing at the top of our voices. I still feel anger at lives cut short in such painful ways.

I grieve that I haven’t had adult relationships with my parents, and that they will never know this version of me.

This is my grief transformed.

It may not occupy every waking minute but it is there and I am ok with that.

Over the years I have had numerous conversations with people about grief. They have intentionally (or inadvertently) made comments about the fact that I still feel so strongly about the losses of my family and loved ones. They have their own truths about grief, and about what it should or shouldn't look like. They have advice for me because I will readily admit that I still grieve for those I lost long ago, and that I don't think that grief will ever go away. 

Others are afraid of grief. I remember years ago I was walking with a friend who lost a close family member, and she commented that some people never even sent their condolences and when she asked them why, they admitted to being afraid. Watching someone grieve can trigger our own fear of loss, or cause us to relive trauma that came with our loss. 

Even joyful change can bring grief. That much longed for family can trigger grief of loss of our young free and single days. That incredible career change may mean loss of a friendship group or of an identity that felt like a second skin.

I believe that grief is a natural part of change, and that there is no wrong way to experience it. I am an advocate for talking to your doctor, therapist and friends - not so that you can make it go away, but so that you can function. I encourage anyone grieving not to judge how they feel, or compare their experience to others. 

And in my experience, I have felt joy even in my grief. I have felt gratitude and love. And I know that as difficult as it was, I survived it - even on the days that I am exhausted and depressed and angry and tired of doing hard things.

I don't know if we ever stop grieving for those we lose, or if instead it becomes a feeling that we learn to live with, one that gives us perspective when things go awry, and heightens our love for those who grieve with us.

Whatever your experience is, I stand with you.

It is ok to feel grief long after a loss.

It is ok to grieve for a path not taken, a life not lived.

It is ok to grieve even when change feels positive and good.

To those who are mourning, I mourn with you.

Whatever you are grieving, I wish you comfort.

To those who judge their own grief - I see you, and I believe that there is no wrong way to grieve.

I send you big love from a small island.

PS the photo above was taken the night before my recent birthday.