I have a secret… I think I peaked. In fact, I am almost sure of it. It’s almost embarrassing to admit. As a person who values growth and learning, it’s quite a shock to realise what has actually been bothering me over the past few months.

It started earlier this year, when I decided that I wanted to get back into blogging. It has been a minute since I blogged regularly. In fact - a minute doesn’t even describe it. And I’ll confess, I had some stuff going on. I changed jobs, and I moved, I hurt my back - things like that. And I know I know - I need to be gentle on myself. I’m working on that. But the thing is - I started January feeling inspired - ready to write. Bursting with ideas.

In fact the ideas started bursting before January. The move inspired me. A new city, a fresh start, and that free feeling that comes with getting rid of 90 percent of my stuff. I actually wrote about some of these things. And there they sit on my computer… gathering proverbial dust. 

I considered putting them up as blog posts - numerous times. But there was always an excuse. Maybe I’m gonna change my provider. Or get rid of my blog altogether and start a substack. So I started a substack. (And yes - I already had one - don’t ask!!) Maybe I’m gonna send more newsletters. So I wrote a couple. And I haven’t shared a single one.

I started wondering what was causing me so much hesitation. I mean - It’s been a long time since I have been nervous about publishing work, and at the very least sharing with friends - even if I didn’t want to share it on social media. And I am loving some of the pieces I am writing! But every time I consider putting them up on my blog, I pause.

I think about some of the posts I wrote one year ago. Two years ago. Lovely images, formatting that I am still proud of. Accompanying audios that I recorded that accompanied every blog post and newsletter. And sometimes I go back and look at them - and they are good. I still read them and think - wow who wrote that! And now, the idea of what I am writing now makes me cringe. 

Because honestly - I don’t have the bandwidth to record audios.

Because I am aware that there might be a few typos. 

Because these ideas I have are new to me, and some days I worry that they may be worse than some of the stuff I previously wrote! 

I’ve heard a few people talking recently about not comparing yourself to others, but honestly - I’m not comparing myself to others. I am comparing myself to myself. To the version of myself who wrote and published her book, and had a blog that I was proud to share with complete strangers. To the version of me who edits works for others, who can’t possibly be allowed to have a typo.

In truth, I’m afraid! 

I am afraid that I might have gotten worse! 

That these new ideas aren’t actually as good as the ideas I had before. 

That I peaked - a few years ago, and it’s downhill from here. Or actually that it was downhill a couple of years ago, and now I am halfway down the hill - maybe even close to the bottom.

I feel like the bar is high, and I put it there. And now - I need to find a way to lower my own bar. 

To start again, and maybe change direction. 

To explore new ideas and trip over my feet, and not be perfect, or even good.

To be worse than my younger self.

A work in progress.

And I don’t have the answers to how to do it, but I want to throw this out here to all of you out there who feel like you have peaked - and you are feeling a bit embarrassed about it! To those of you who haven’t been starting the new thing because you are worried that it will be worse than your old or existing thing. To those of you who are giving the side eye to the younger version of yourself who you worry just might be better than who you are now. To those of you who want to take that first step again, and who are afraid.

I see you.

I am you. 

Here’s to lowering our own bars.

You wanna join me?

Let me know in the comments.

And I send you big love from a bigger island.