You can listen to the audio version of this post below.

This is a part of the October blog challenge. You can find the other posts here.

Here is the thing about change. Sometimes it is thrust upon me (e.g. job layoff, new work colleagues, global pandemic to name a few). Other times I feel as if I have chosen the change I want to see in myself or in my life.

I set a new goal or standard, and decide to work towards this change in my life. It could be a career change, a change of home or location, a change in lifestyle such as diet or personal habit or even a change of how furniture looks or the decor around the house. 

And so many times, I have done this (and seen it happen to others): I decide on a change I want to implement, I do a bit of (or a lot of) research about how to implement the change, what is the new thing I want to achieve and what I need to make it happen, and sometimes I even begin to take action around making the change.

And all of a sudden it is 6 months later, and there has been no change. My apartment still looks like a student lives here, I still eat chocolate for breakfast, go into the same office to do the same job, rush out of the house at the last minute and arrive late for work. 

I am the first to admit - change is hard, and for every 10 changes I have attempted to make in my life, probably only one or two have stuck. So while I am not claiming to be an expert on behaviour change, I have observed 2 factors which often keep me tethered in place, and I know a few people who find this as well, so over the next two days, I am writing about how I have been tackling those factors, so that I can make some of the deliberate changes that I want.

The first is perfectionism.

I know that being a perfectionist can often stand in my way of making changes that last, and it is an ongoing quest for me. There are some areas of my life where I have found it easy to release my perfectionism and have made eventual changes, and there are other areas where I am still a die hard perfectionist, and I battle with it daily. 

When I want to make a change, there are two areas where I find perfectionism affects me - in the planning stages, and then in the execution.

First, lets talk about the planning stages - when I am thinking about what change I want to make, envisioning it, and considering how I can make it happen. During the planning stages, I tend to have this perfect idea in my head of what I want the outcome to look like. I picture myself moving easily through the steps to this perfect result.

The problem is sometimes I scare myself. Sometimes this idea of the perfect outcome, and the fear of not achieving it means I don’t even start on the road to my goal. This used to show up a lot in my writing, and it still shows up if I am considering doing other creative pursuits such as drawing or painting. I have friends who experience it around creating projects such as a podcast or blog, and I also personally experience it when it comes to eating and exercise. 

When it comes to the execution, perfection shows up in other ways. Even when I get an idea of how I can break down my goal into manageable chunks, I realize that as someone who is my own harshest critic, often by the time I get anywhere near the outcome, I have upgraded my ideas about what perfect looks like, so I continually move the goal post, and never actually reach that perfection that I am looking for. On top of that, things almost never go according to the plan.

A combination of the “perfect” plan towards the “perfect” outcome is just enough of a recipe for disaster for me. I picture myself moving through the steps towards the perfect outcome, and so when things don’t go according to the plan (as is almost always the case) then I bang my head against the computer like Don Music in Sesame street - I’ll never get it - NEVER!!! (and if you don’t know who Don Music is, you NEED to watch this clip!)

The truth is - expectation can kill reality. My idea of perfect actions leading to a perfect outcome often made it impossible for me to actually achieve change in the real world, where nothing is perfect (especially me!) For me a big part of actually achieving change, was releasing perfection. I had to release the idea of a perfect outcome, and accept that the finished product will not be perfect. And I had to release the “perfect” plan to achieve it, because I am human, and things happen. 

Sometimes, I couldn’t even identify that it was perfection standing in my way. I could not see that what I was calling high standards, and doing something “Right the first time” (a motto from my days working at Barclays Bank) or thinking that there was one single “right” or “proper” way to do it was actually perfection, wearing one of its many disguises. Sometimes it was me comparing myself to what others were doing - comparing my first attempt to their polished professional outcome. Sometimes it was actually listening to people who claimed to have the “hack” or “secret” and that only if you followed it precisely was your outcome guaranteed. 

I wrote about this last year when I reflected on how I had actually finished some of the big projects I started. Here is an excerpt from that post, or you can read it here.

The finished product will not be perfect. Let’s say it again for those at the back. Your finished product will not be perfect.

This was probably the biggest thing I learned as I worked through any goal or project. That my end result may be good, it may even be amazing. It may be better than I expected, and beyond my wildest dreams.

But it. Will. Not. Be. Perfect.

I always had ideas about how I wanted things to turn out, what the perfect outcome would look like. These were the visions I had in my head when I first started dreaming about the project or goal. What I didn’t realize or couldn’t articulate, was that I also had an idea of how the process would go.

I pictured myself easily running 13.1 miles. While writing my book, I pictured myself sitting at the computer typing effortlessly, ideas flowing, signing books at my launch, the smell and feel of that book in my hands. For you it may be planning a home renovation, and you picture yourself cooking in your brand new kitchen, or sitting around the table of a freshly painted room with your family and friends.

I learned that all of those things are achievable. But (during the process) you might need to change the electrician a few times. I spent days/weeks tending to my sore feet and chafed skin. You won’t see the imposter syndrome you may feel when you hit publish on your book. I didn’t see the million tasks that I had to complete and OK before I could hold that copy in your hand, or the things that went wrong or didn’t happen at all. So right now, let go of perfectionism. This truly helped me get to the end of anything I finished.

For me, once I spotted where perfectionist thinking and planning was lurking, I came up with ways to actually reach my goals and make changes in some areas of my life. These were the places where I “lowered the stakes” (you can read about that in a post I wrote here). Lowering the stakes is my practice of taking a small version of the outcome or action I want to take, and working on that. Here is an excerpt:

…the truth is - sometimes when the stakes are lowered, I am willing to take so many more risks, and I am willing to release the “mediocre” version. For some reason, I am ok with imperfection when I am working on something that isn’t “the thing”. And the lesson I learned from that was - sometimes clarity, competence - even excellence comes through doing, through practice, through being mediocre at something and working on it consistently over time.

In addition, I stopped being so hard on myself. I found success in the places where I was more adaptable both with the steps I was taking, and the outcome that I wanted.

But most importantly, it started with the acceptance that - there is no such thing as perfect.

Even with these strategies, sometimes I still catch myself stuck in perfectionism. It doesn’t always work. It is definitely a work in progress. And even in the times where I use my tools, and make change in my life, it almost never looks how I expected it to look. And, it is almost always ok.

I need to remind myself of this often.

Lastly, you can find above evidence of one recent change I made. For the longest time, I wanted lighter coloured furniture at home. It was (and I suppose it still is) the burgundy red in the top image. I searched many shops, and I could not find what I wanted. I had a vision of this perfect set of furniture (and I should admit that when I pictured it - it wasn’t even in my actual living room - so then I told myself I wouldn’t change my furniture until I found the perfect place to live and so on…) For the longest time, I would sit around, annoyed with what I had and feeling too overwhelmed to do anything about it, as I considered having to move house, finding the furniture etc.

In a desperate attempt to lower the stakes, I decided that I would have my couch re-upholstered, and when I made the stakes even lower, I opted instead for a slip cover for the couch, in the colour that I wanted. As an added bonus, it could slip on and off so that I could wash it whenever I wanted.

I finally opted to make it myself courtesy of the university of Youtube. You can see - it isn’t perfect. Despite watching a million youtube videos a million times. And - it is ok. It does what I need it to do - covers the couch, brightens up my living room, and makes me feel better about my space. One day I might find the perfect couch, and situate it in the perfect living room in the perfect house. Until then, I have made a change that I am happy with, and it has brightened up my living room.

Tomorrow I will write about some of the other fears which can also prevent me from making the changes I want in my life, and keep me tethered in place. In the meantime, I want to know - are you a perfectionist? Do visions of perfection keep you tethered in place, and make it difficult for you to make real life changes? And what is one area in your life where you can lower the stakes? 

And I send you big love from my couch on the small island!